


Pulse and Thought

by OneWord



Series: The Life of a Hacker and an Edgelord [2]
Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Kiss No. 1.5: In the Past, M/M, Other, Theme: 7 Kisses in the Life of a Hacker and an Edgelord, but this chapter is just via chat, choicest, next chapter will have them in-person, no smut but kisses do ensue, oh also this is where i start to include the rest of the gang, saecest, tagging underage to be safe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-14
Updated: 2017-07-14
Packaged: 2018-12-01 21:12:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11494848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OneWord/pseuds/OneWord
Summary: SEQUEL TO HEART AND MINDTheme: 4 times the hacker kissed the edgelord. 2 times the edgelord kissed the hacker. And 1 time the hacker and edgelord kissed each other.Kiss No. 1.5: Saeyoung and Saeran finally have their first stroll in the outside world. What should've ensued was grossly cutsie bonding and fluff.What occurs instead are panic attacks, a near-miss hit and run, a bloody injury, a break-in, taking shelter in the rain, and a bunch of flashes to the past that should've stayed in the past.





	Pulse and Thought

**Author's Note:**

> This was supremely difficult to write, holy crap. @_@ Uhm. This story got away from me. Uhm Uhm Uhm. I'm so sorry for the length. OTL
> 
> This chapter was brought to you by: [this sad sack of 'are you effing with me cheritz'.](https://mysticvoyagers.tumblr.com/post/162969521956/i-fucking-swear-cheritz)

**Jaehee**          He ordered

 **Jaehee**           209 projectors??

 

 **Yoosung**       Why are you only telling us now!?

 

 **Zen**               What is he using it for!?

 

 **Jumin**           Assistant Kang, I thought you knew this when you put in the order.

 **Jumin**           And we were talking about holograms

 

 **Jaehee**          I didn’t know it was for Saeyoung!

 **Jaehee**          I was dreading it would be for a new project!!

 

 **Jumin**           But it’s not. What’s the problem?

 

 **Jaehee**          Oh, you’re right.

**Jaehee**          Why am I protesting this?

 

**Zen**               Hey! Trust fund kid!

 **Zen** Are you ignoring me?!

 

 **Jumin**           Why, did you say something?

 

 **Zen**               UGH

 **Zen**               There is no talking to you!!

 

-MC has entered the chatroom-

 

 **Yoosung**       MC!

 

 **MC**                Yoosung!

 

 **Yoosung**       MC!

 

 **Zen**               Me

 **Zen**               [sends selfie]

 

 **Yoosung**       omg

 

**Jumin**            Was that necessary.       

 

**Jaehee**          Cleansed once again.

 

 **MC**                lol lovely as always, Zen

 **MC**                 Jaehee, Jaehee, hi!!

 

 **Jaehee**           Hello, MC.

 **Jaehee**           It’s good to talk to you again.

 

**Zen**               Thank you, MC

 

 **Yoosung**       MC, did you know Saeyoung ordered 209 projectors?!

 

 **MC**                Oh, yeah, for his gift for Saeran. What about it?

 

[](https://68.media.tumblr.com/898002d4fa4df6720d84b580f1ed8d73/tumblr_osst6xUN5G1ws1a3vo2_1280.jpg) 

 

[](https://68.media.tumblr.com/5fa734531df3f018cbcd85d1811a9a00/tumblr_osst8nWrUa1ws1a3vo8_1280.jpg) 

 

 **Yoosung**       Why did you know but we didn’t!

 

 **MC**                uhm…

 

 **Jaehee**          What gift could he be working on

 **Jaehee**          that would require that many projectors?!

 

 **MC**                uhm…

 

 **Jumin**           Why are you spending this much energy to needlessly care about

 **Jumin**           the affairs of those two brothers;

 

 **MC**                Affair

 

 **Yoosung**       Oh! Saeyoung made you emojis! Finally!

 

 **Jaehee**          Congratulations, MC.

 

 **Zen**               It’s about time.

 

 **Jumin**           …Are we not going to comment on MC’s reaction about the affair part?

 

 **MC**                Nope

 **MC**                Anyways, I’m surprised he had any time to do it

 **MC**                Also that you guys didn’t know?? Considering it was more than a week ago

 **MC**                [posts picture]

 **MC**                He made a beautiful sky hologram for Saeran

 

 **Jumin**           I knew already.

 

**Yoosung**       Saeyoung is so sweet!

 **Yoosung**       But

 **Yoosung**       Why didn’t he tell us he was doing something like this??

 

 **Jaehee**          That is quite amazing. He was able to program something like this?

 

 **Zen**                How long did this take him??

 

 **MC**                …

 **MC**                uhm…

 

-Saeyoung has entered the chatroom-

 

 **MC**                Oh thank the author…

 

 **Jumin**           What author?

 

 **Saeyoung**     Mayday! Mayday!

 

 **Yoosung**       Saeyoung??

 **Yoosung**       What’s wrong?!

 

 **Saeyoung**     Mayday!

 **Saeyoung**     Code Red! Respond, Code red!

 **Saeyoung**     M

 **Saeyoung**     A

 **Saeyoung**     Y

 **Saeyoung**     D

 **Saeyoung**     A

 **Saeyoung**     Y

 **Saeyoung**     !!

 

**Zen**               Type in one line, dude

 **Zen**                And stop increasing the font!

 

 **Jaehee**          That isn’t even part of the same emergency settings.;

 

 **MC**                Breathe, Team A, breathe!

 **MC**                What’s the sitch?

 

 **Yoosung**       You mean Stitch?

 

 **Zen**               Why is stitch capitalized?

 

 **Yoosung**       You don’t know who Stitch is!?

 

 **Saeyoung**     Sitch is this, Team B!

 **Saeyoung**     Project Saeran Frolicking Through Fields is a go in T-10 minutes!

 

 **MC**                Time and Interest logged! Location?

 

 **Saeyoung**     19-kilometer radius around the basement!

 

 **Zen**               What is happening?!

 

 **MC**                Okay now! Repeat after me, Team A:

 **MC** Everything will be okay

 

 **Saeyoung**     Everything will be okay

 

 **MC**                I will just be having fun with Saeran

 

 **Saeyoung**     I will just be having fun with Saeran

 

 **MC**                I will enjoy the sky with Saeran

 

 **Saeyoung**     I will enjoy the sky with Saeran

 

 **MC**                We will be okay together

 

 **Saeyoung**     We will be okay together

 

 **MC**                Thank you MC

 

 **Saeyoung**     Thank u Buddha Chip God

 

 **MC**                Oh eff you

 

 **Saeyoung**     lolololol so cute u can’t even cuss

 

 **Jumin**           Are you two done?

 

 **Saeyoung**     Ya

 

 **MC**                Ya

 

 **Jaehee**          Remind me again

 **Jaehee**          Why you two decided to stay friends?

 

 **Zen**               I feel like you two are on an entirely different planet

 **Zen**               But unlike Saeyoung, MC still manages to be normal

 

 **Saeyoung**     Hey!

 

 **MC**                tru

 **MC**                 And my friendship is worth just as much as my romance

 

**Jaehee**           Very true!

 

 **Saeyoung**     tru??  TRU??? 

 **Saeyoung**      Betrayal!

 

**MC**                Veni vidi vici

 

 **Yoosung**       But really Saeyoung! MC!

 **Yoosung**       You two would be so cute together!

 

 **MC**                Hah

 **MC**                I’m no homewrecker, Yoosung

 

 

[](https://68.media.tumblr.com/56b52d02a70c0acdbcdfc2229a75fa19/tumblr_osst8nWrUa1ws1a3vo7_1280.jpg) 

 

 

 **Jumin**           Is this the affair you were talking about?

 

 **MC**                Ya

 

 **Saeyoung**     Ya?

 

 **MC**                Alas, Saeyoung and I cannot be together because

 **MC**                 [Turns the mic over to God Saeyoung]

 

 **Saeyoung**      AHEM

 **Saeyoung**      TESTING, TESTING

 **Saeyoung**      tap tap tap

 **Saeyoung**      TESTING 1!

 **Saeyoung**      2!

 

 **Yoosung**        Saeyoung…;

 

 **Saeyoung**      3!

 

 **MC**                 Testing complete, God Saeyoung, you’re good to go

 

 **Yoosung**        MC…;;

 

 **Saeyoung**     I’m already married

 

 

 **Yoosung**       WHAT?!

 

 **MC**                I believe it’s time we tell them the truth, honey

 

**Saeyoung**     I believe so, darling

 

**Zen**               Can you just get on with it?!

 

 **Jaehee**          He’s not married.

 **Jaehee**          I have no record of that.

 

 **Saeyoung**     Of course u wouldn’t

 

 **MC**                It’s a marriage of the heart

 

 **Saeyoung**     Bingo!

 **Saeyoung**     A marriage where my heart is his to have

 **Saeyoung**     And his mind is mine to hold

 **Saeyoung**     Two halves of one soul

 

 **Yoosung**       So romantic~

 **Yoosung**       But who are you married to?!?

 

 **Jumin**           I’m curious enough to ask too

 

 **Saeyoung**      lololololol

 **Saeyoung**      U didn’t ask

 

 **Jumin**            I did

 **Jumin**            I regret I did, but I did

 **Jumin**            Now answer me.

 

 **Saeyoung**      That will be one Elly hug plz!

 

 **Jumin**            Never.

 **Jumin**            The day that happens is the day I get a restraining order on you

 

 **MC**                 Hehe you tried Saeyoung

 **MC**                 honestly I’m surprised Jumin hasn’t yet lolol

 

 **Zen**               Wait

 **Zen**               Him!! He said him!!

 

 **Jaehee**          He did type a male pronoun.

 

 **MC**                It was a typo

 

 **Saeyoung**     Typo

 **Saeyoung**     Oh MC beat me to it lololol

 

 **Zen**               That didn’t seem like a typo

 

 **Jaehee**          You do not make the same typo twice

 **Jaehee**          Without it meaning something.

 

 **Saeyoung**     Stop with your glinting glasses!

 

 **Jaehee**           Why do you always say that?;

 

 **MC**                Look! A distraction!

 

-Saeran has entered the chatroom-

 

 **Saeyoung**      Ack!

 **Saeyoung**     MC! Not that kind of distraction!

 

 **MC**                I didn’t meant to!

 **MC**                What do we do??!?

 

**Yoosung**       What are you two doing?

 

 **Saeyoung**     Cleanse the chatroom!

 **Saeyoung**     ajkhdsalkjhdfklg

 

 **MC**                lksjhdfgkjlhsiulerhg

 

 **Saeyoung**     lsjdfhgkldsjhglkhurd

 

 **MC**                lsjhfglkjhrlueighreuilhgur

 

 

 

 **Saeyoung**     ksjdfhgklsjdfghureihg

 

 **Zen**               seconded

 

 **MC**                jklfhsgjksdfghlueriughrieg

 

 **Saeyoung**     kjladhfglkahluigrehgu

 

 **Saeran**          Stop

 

 **Saeyoung**     Okie

**Saeyoung**     Hi Saeran-ah

 

 **Yoosung**       Just one word too;

 

 **MC**                Saeran! Hello!

 

 **Saeran**          Hello

 

 **Saeyoung**     You say hi to MC but not to me

**Saeyoung**     So cruel

 

 **Saeran**          Hello idiot

 

 

 **Saeran**           …

 

 

 **Saeran**           Stop

 

 **Saeyoung**      …

 **Saeyoung**      Okie

 

 **Zen**               lol Brothers

 

 **Yoosung**       Saeran how are you?

 

 **Jumin**           You need to teach us that power Saeran

 

 **Saeran**          What power

 **Saeran**          I’m ok. You?

 

**Yoosung**       I’m good!

 

 **Saeran**           That’s good

 

 **Jumin** The power to shut up Saeyoung with one word.

 

 **Jaehee**          I beg of you.

 

 **Saeran**          Oh

 **Saeran**           Idk

 

 **Saeyoung**     lololol

 **Saeyoung**     He’s my twin. Only he has that right.

 

 **Jaehee**          No. Privilege. That’s a privilege.

 

 **MC**                tru tru

 

 **Saeran**          Saeyoung

 

 **Saeyoung**     Yes, Saeran-ah?

 

 **Saeran**          If you don’t come upstairs right now, I’ll leave without you

 

 **Saeyoung**     You’re already outside!?

 

 **Saeran**          Almost

 

 **Saeyoung**     Why didn’t you wait for me?!?

 

 **Saeran**          I have one foot out the door

 

 **Saeyoung**     Brother no!

 

 **MC**                Both of you! Have fun!

 

-Saeyoung has logged out of the chatroom-

**Saeran**          lol

 **Saeran**          Th

 **Saeran**           ank

 **Saeran**           you

 

-Saeran has logged out of the chatroom-

 

 **Zen**                Did he just…

 

 **Yoosung**        Do that thing that Saeyoung does??

 

 **Jumin**            What thing?

 

 **Jaehee**           The thing where Saeyoung splits up the words of gratitude

 **Jaehee**           or response to gratitude on different lines.

 **Jaehee**           That includes the personal pronoun as well.

 **Jaehee**           It seems Saeran picked up on that.

 

 **MC**                 lololol Ya, he did that to me when he first lead me to the apartment

 **MC**                 I think they just do that subconsciously ^^

 **MC**                 Cuz they’re twinsies~!!!

 

* * *

 

Saeran tilted his head all the way to the side, cringing at the sight in front of him.

 

“Why,” he asked himself, “Do you have a leopard-print car, brother.”

 

_How are you this lame._

 

And speaking of that loser.

 

“Saeran-ah!” Saeyoung came bursting in before the elevator door could fully open. Or, well, crawling in. A bulky backpack was slung around his shoulders, looking cumbersome as he crawled through. “Saeran-ah!”  Saeyoung clumsily made it to his feet, looking around the garage, his glasses dropping halfway down his nose. “Where are you?!”

 

At the pounding of his brother’s anxiety-ridden heartbeat pounding in his ears, guilt began to creep its way into Saeran’s chest.

 

But then he remembered that Saeyoung took the time to talk to the RFA, so he could flirt with _MC_ , and Saeran viciously squeezed the life out of his guilt with a cross of his arms.

 

“Oh. You’re finally here,” he coolly called out, stepping out more into Saeyoung’s view.

 

“Saeran-ah,” Saeyoung breathed out before running over to Saeran. He looked thoroughly chastised despite Saeran having said barely anything. Then he whipped out a crumpled coupon between his fingers, wearing a sheepish smile as he raised his glasses back up. “You want a two for one ice cream sundae deal?”

 

Without his permission, Saeran arms loosened at that.

 

 _Damn_.

 

Saeyoung grinned brightly at him and Saeran could feel the rest of his anger melt away. He sighed.

 

 _Damn_ , his brain repeated and Saeyoung laughed, handing the coupon to Saeran.

 

“I heard it was the best ice cream parlor in a 19-kilom radius,” Saeyoung chirped as Saeran took the coupon and looked over it, smoothening out the crinkles with his thumb.  It was very old, the text almost fading. But, strangely enough, there was no expiration date on it.  “I checked and they have _mango_ now, Saeran-ah!  They even updated their summer specials to have this mega-sundae option where you can put 9 different scoops together.”

 

Saeran frowned lightly at Saeyoung, suddenly feeling he was missing something.  He absently rubbed the coupon once more, conscious of how…worn it was. “You talk as if you’ve never been there.”

 

Saeyoung suddenly had a shifty look to him, to a point where he was shuffling his feet. “Well, I’ve only been there once.”

 

Saeran wondered how the hell Saeyoung survived this long as an agent with how much he _sucked_ at keeping his tells at bay.  It was quite telling how lenient Vanderwood had been with Saeyoung.

 

“Saeyoung,” he said, deciding not to use his trump card just yet. It takes very little these days to make Saeyoung tell him what he doesn’t want to say, so any advantage he has should only be used if Saeyoung was being extra resistant. “Why haven’t you?”

 

Saeyoung petulantly groaned, rubbing a hand on his chest. “Do I have to say?  Can’t we just talk about the 9 flavors you’re going to choose?”

 

Saeran didn’t let himself be deterred by the nervousness of Saeyoung’s heartbeat. 

 

If anything, he let it push his determination.

 

“You don’t have to tell me,” he started. Then he went in for the kill. “Not unless you want to keep your promise of being more honest with me.”

 

If Saeyoung had cat ears and a tail, both would be drooping by now.  “Unfaaaair.” He pouted, his metaphorical cat tail thrashing around agitatedly. Saeran simply raised one eyebrow and Saeyoung threw his hands up in defeat. “There were only two times in my life I went to go eat ice cream without you,” he muttered, not meeting Saeran’s stare for some reason. “They both sucked.”

 

Saeran felt Saeyoung’s heartbeat admit that, yes, Saeyoung couldn’t even have ice cream without being reminded of the little brother who was no longer by his side.

 

Saeran couldn’t stop himself from snorting.

 

Saeyoung finally leveled his eyes with Saeran’s, asking for an explanation with a furrow of his eyebrows. Stuffing the coupon in his pocket, Saeran decided that he might as well meet Saeyoung halfway for once.

 

“They’d frequently buy me ice cream. Since you made them promise they would.” Saeran didn’t bother saying who ‘they’ were, especially as he saw Saeyoung’s eyes widen. “I began to hate it. Because every bite reminded me of how you were gone.” He looked at the stupid leopard print car instead of the stupid sad eyes he could feel were on him.  “I felt relieved when, at Mint Eye, I didn’t feel anymore obligation to force it down my throat.” _Back then, it was one more thing I hated you for_.

 

“Saeran-ah…” Saeyoung choked out and Saeran could feel his brother’s wish to reach out and hug him.

 

But that was one thing Saeran learned to hate, in exchange for relearning his love for ice cream.

 

Saeyoung’s obligatory hugs.

 

The night they first shared a bed together, he fell asleep to Saeyoung’s arms wrapped around him and woke up to Saeyoung’s hands holding onto his. And that’s when he realized that _this_ was how he wanted Saeyoung to touch him.

 

Saeyoung had only ever touched him after a meltdown. A nightmare. Some kind of damn episode. That realization only struck Saeran the day after, when they were arguing about changing Saeran’s RFA chatname from “But you _are_ an angel, Saeran-ah!” to “I fucking swear, Saeyoung, if you don’t take out that angel part—”

 

Saeyoung was beaming so brightly, laughing his dumb head off, and Saeran realized how _perfect_ it would be for Saeyoung to hug him right then. He realized how much he _wanted_ Saeyoung’s arms around him.

 

But it didn’t happen.  No.

 

It only happened when, later that night, Saeran had a nightmare. It was bad. Saeran had spent almost half an hour dry-heaving into the toilet bowl, Saeyoung spending that entire time wiping down Saeran’s forehead and neck with a damp towel, whispering soothing words as he rubbed Saeran’s back.

 

Afterwards, Saeran let Saeyoung help him walk back to his bed. He had given in that time and asked in stunted words, “This bed…fuck…you can…here.” Without having to ask, Saeyoung had hugged him so tightly before climbing under the sheets with him.

 

Sometimes they’d wake up in each other’s arms. Other times, they’d simply wait to see each other until they had breakfast in the kitchen together. But still.

 

Again and again.

 

That was how the pattern went.

 

And Saeran learned to hate that pattern.

 

So, Saeran shook his head at Saeyoung, ignoring the pain that shot into his fingertips at the rejection Saeyoung felt.

 

But still, Saeyoung forced a light-hearted tone as he said, “So, what 9 flavors do you want on your mega sundae?”

 

Saeran wanted to scream _Hug me, damn you_ and he knew, from Saeyoung’s pleading eyes, that he heard that particular thought.

 

Instead, Saeran just shook his head once more and said, “I don’t care so long as 5 of them are strawberry.”

 

Saeyoung’s hand jerked towards him, as if it wanted nothing more than to—at the very _least_ —squeeze Saeran’s arm or shoulder.  “5 strawberry scoops and 4 mango scoops coming right up, Saeran-ah.”  He curled his hands into fists and stuffed both of them into his pockets. “You’re going to love it.”

 

* * *

  

As it turns out, Saeran was going to be holding onto Saeyoung either way.

 

“Fuck it, give me your arm!” Saeran snarled after the seventh time he tripped over tree root protruding oh-so innocently from the ground. Saeran wanted to burn it to ashes and watch it _suffer_.

 

Saeran couldn’t even find it in himself to get _that_ pissed off at Saeyoung, trying so hard and failing so epically to hold back his laughter. It was actually ridiculous, seeing Saeyoung get on his knees to check for himself that Saeran was intact after the Tree Attack, all the while choking back snorts and giggles. 

 

“Well.” Saeyoung patted away the dirt on his knees before beaming at Saeran. “The only bruise you have,” Saeyoung got out through high-pitched _squeaks_ , for shitting out loud. “Is on your ego.”

 

Saeran could even feel Saeyoung’s heartbeat trembling with the effort not to laugh _outright_ at Saeran’s misfortune. “Don’t make me throw dirt at your face,” Saeran dully threatened, giving the tree root one last withering glare before hooking his elbow around Saeyoung’s.

 

Suddenly, Saeyoung took a deep breath and positioned himself right in front of Saeran, arm still around Saeran’s arm, but—

 

“Saeran-ah, you…” Saeyoung smiled tenderly at Saeran, not one laugh caught between his words as he cradled Saeran’s cheek gently. “…I’m so glad. It makes me so happy…” He moved his hand down to Saeran’s neck, caressing his jawline. “…to see you look at the sky the same way you always had.”

 

Saeran felt something bright and energetic start to recede then crash in his insides, like waves, and he held back an exasperated groan. 

 

It has been happening more and more lately.  It started the first night Saeyoung and Saeran lied in bed together underneath the holographic night sky.

 

From then on, it happened every day, at least once every hour and it was fucking annoying.

 

Mainly because he had no clue what it meant. 

 

Either way, he ended up naming it the Waves. Because it felt just as violent and dramatic as storm waves trying to capsize a ship.  Really, it was like the Heartbeat thing all over again, but unlike the Heartbeat, this sensation didn’t seem to have any purpose to it. Still, he had a feeling it had to do with Saeyoung, as always.

 

Asshole.

 

“Whatever,” Saeran finally got out, forcing himself out of his head.

 

He decided to distract himself by lifting his chin, gazing up at the cerulean filtering through the trees. At that moment, a breeze passed over them and brought with it the scent of the forest and yesterday’s rain (“Saeyoung, I don’t feel like listening to the rain,” Saeran murmured from beneath the covers, smirking at the sleepy groan he got as Saeyoung rolled over to change the settings.).

 

He closed his eyes, immersing himself in the cold brushing over his senses, the gradual settling of the Waves, and the touch of his brother’s skin on his.

 

And what made it better…what made him _smile_ …was the knowledge that when they went back inside, it wasn’t to a hellhole with their mother.  Or the different hellhole of the Mint Eye compound.

 

It was to a leopard-print race car, a basement with military-grade security, a warehouse filled to the brim with boxes’ worth of Honey Buddha Chips, and…Saeyoung. The one who eagerly buys ugly cars and has the paranoia of a military veteran, as well as the health habits of a hobo.  

 

 _That_ was what he was going back to.

 

“I promise that, when we get our own place, I’ll make sure it’s safe for us both,” Saeyoung had whispered.  Just as he countlessly had from the moment they were old enough to vocalize each other’s names past _Sae_. “No one will ever lay a hand on us, Saeran-ah.”

 

“Saeyoung,” Saeran whispered back through his tears. He watched with a frown as Saeyoung tended to the cigarette burn on his forearm, holding an ice cube wrapped in napkins with his bare hands.  He felt tips of his fingers get painful from the melting ice Saeyoung held in his hands. “Your hand is getting too cold. Give me the ice, it’s okay, I can hold it myself.”

 

“Don’t raise that hand, mister,” Saeyoung sternly said, bumping his forehead against Saeran’s cheek. He rotated the ice cube to a flatter side so that it wouldn’t jab against Saeran. “Just rest, okay? And think about what you’ll want to put in the house we’ll have together.”

 

Saeran opened his eyes, his smile sharpening into a smirk as he was greeted with the welcoming sunlight.

 

“I admit,” he began, lowering his head to look back at Saeyoung.  But the moment he did, he realized just how… _entranced_ Saeyoung looked and he raised an eyebrow at that. “Why the hell do you look like that?” He honed in on Saeyoung’s pulse and blinked at how…much slower it was. Not in a dangerous way, but almost in a strangely _relaxed_ way.

 

“No…I…” Saeyoung seemed even breathless at the moment, shaking his head as he gave one Saeran’s cheek last caress before lowering his hand back to his side. Saeran had to hold back his impulse to glare at Saeyoung for taking away the warmth. “…Uhm…that’s…” Saeyoung shook his head, then seemed to come back to himself with a helpless smile. “It’s times like these when it really hits me how you are my better half.”

 

Saeran looked warily at Saeyoung, going as far as to tilt his head away. “What the hell are you talking about?”  He had a feeling that either Saeran was going to want to punch Saeyoung’s mouth or his neck depending on the type of idiocy Saeyoung would display.

 

“You really are beautiful,” Saeyoung said so sincerely. “Did you know that?”

 

Punch his mouth, it is.

 

Saeran groaned and just started to pull Saeyoung forward by the elbow. Saeyoung wasn’t even laughing behind him in response, which only served to heat up every part of Saeran from his neck to his forehead.

 

_Fucking damn you, Saeyoung._

 

No wonder his brother was suddenly in this peace-like state. He was being hypnotized with whatever vision his crazy mind crafted for him.

 

“Do not start with that again!” he snapped, hoping that the longer he kept his eyes up, the quicker the blush would abate. It didn’t quite help that he was clutching onto Saeyoung’s arm all the while, but there was no way he would be able to keep his stare off the sky, so this was the lesser of two evils.

 

“No, but really, Saeran, it caught me off guard,” Saeyoung tried to explain, uncharacteristically serious.  It made Saeran swallow anticipation. But that’s just it.

 

What the hell is making him so nervous and Saeyoung so thoughtful?

 

“I don’t care,” Saeran snapped.

 

Apparently, Saeyoung didn’t care that Saeran didn’t care.

 

“I’m handsome, sure, but not nearly enough I’d say I’m beautiful like you. And that makes absolutely no sense. How are you so beautiful when you look like me?” Saeyoung continued, his heartbeat still not picking up to its regular pace. Saeran wish it would. “I mean, sure, your nose is a little bit sharper, your eyes are more almond-shaped than mine, your ears have those little edges that make it boxier at the top, and you have that birthmark on your back in the shape of a—”

 

“Get to the damn POINT,” Saeran growled, digging his fingers into Saeyoung’s arm warningly. For the love of _mercy_ , there better not be anyone around here.

 

Saeyoung made a whining noise at the back of his throat, highlighting how pathetic he was.  “I was getting there.” He could _feel_ Saeran’s dry disbelief coming off their connection in a deluge and he let himself give into a smile. “I didn’t even get to the good par—holy crap, okay, mercy, mercy!” he yelped as Saeran found his way to Saeyoung’s pinky finger and pressed harshly into the nailbed.

 

“That’s exactly what I’ve been asking you to give me,” Saeran irately responded, even as he looked on calmly at a cloud shaped like his birthmark.

 

“Be the bigger person and give it to me first,” Saeyoung pleaded as he tried to navigate forward even with the shooting pain in his poor little piggy.

 

Saeran rolled his eyes then let go, rolling his eyes _again_ at his brother’s melodramatic exclamation of relief.  “Only because you’re what’s standing between me and the ground.”

 

“So, in the end, that is my only saving grace,” Saeyoung lamented, practically hugging Saeran’s arm to his chest now.  “My little brother’s arch nemeses—tree roots.”

 

“That would mean they’re yours too,” Saeran grouchily muttered, closing his eyes for a moment as the sun hit his eyes. He knew Saeyoung would keep him from falling—as proven by how Saeyoung gently pushed him to the side to avoid yet another tree root.

 

“Our enemies! You’re right!” Saeyoung fervently exclaimed, making a bird fly off in a hurry from its branch. “Damn tree roots,” he cursed. “If only they weren’t part of the earth, then I’d burn them all into the ground for you!”

 

 _Why are you like this?_ Saeran internally groaned, even as he deadpanned, “They’re already in the ground.”

 

“Because I’m your funnier half,” Saeyoung responded, before continuing, “Then I’d burn them _more_ into the ground for you!”

 

“There’s a reason why I didn’t ask that out _loud_ ,” Saeran shot back. He seriously never knew which thought would or would not reach that rock of a brain that belonged to his brother’s. It was seriously friggin’ _infuriating_. “I hope you fall into the molten core of the earth then.”

 

“That’s okay, I decided that it wasn’t a rhetorical thought,” Saeyoung happily fired back without fail. “You’d miss me if I disappeared into the center of the earth and get eaten by dinos.”

 

“Just as I decided that you’re too much of an idiot to figure out what rhetorical _is_ ,” Saeran retorted.  He watched as one cloud took into the outline of a spinosaurus. He shuddered—those things looked downright freaky. “Why are you suddenly talking about dinosaurs?”

 

“I know what it is!” Saeyoung protested. “It means not…needing to…” He paused. “Anyways, we’re talking about dinosaurs because the earth doesn’t have a molten core,” he chirped. “It’s a hallow cavern where all the dinosaurs sunk into after the meteor killed most of their poor reptilian brethren.”

 

“Rhetoric is using figure of speech to persuade people,” Saeran decided to lord his knowledge over his brother. Though, he mostly knew that because Rika was _excellent_ at it. “If you were a comedian, I’d throw Lais chips at you.”

 

“I hate Lais chips!” Saeyoung whined, while pulling on Saeran’s arm to move him out of the way of a protruding rock.

 

Saeran smirked, letting his elbow jab a little into Saeoung’s ribs.  Idly, he realized they were about to come to a crosswalk, leading over to stone stairs that would lead into town. “That’s why.”

 

“Elbow knives,” Saeyoung gasped out as he rubbed his ribs. “How are—”

 

_Dah-dit-dah-dit, dit-dah, dit-dah-dit_

 

Saeran immediately honed in on the sudden frequency of morse code, his brain quickly supplying him with _Car? What the hell?_   But it was the sudden spike of Saeyoung’s heartbeat that made him tear his eyes away from the sky, his own alarm rising in an instant.

 

“Saeyoung?”  Saeran furrowed his eyebrows as they both stopped just shy of the crossing and the asphalt. All of the playfulness that was shining on his brother’s face was wiped away, replaced with solemnity and one-minded concentration as he quickly slipped out his cellphone from his backpack’s side pocket.

 

“500 meters. Good, just like I programmed it,” Saeyoung muttered to himself, bringing up a CCTV feed. “Hmm…oh, it’s a dump truck. Why is it traveling so fast, though?”

 

When he felt Saeyoung reach down to grip tightly at his wrist, Saeran finally understood what was happening.

 

“Saeyoung, hyung, look!”  Saeran began to excitedly pull on Saeyoung’s arm, reaching out towards the dragonfly that was centimeters from his fingers. He was so excited that he felt the spike in Saeyoung’s pulse a second too late, his brother already slapping a hand over his mouth.  “Mmh-mmng?”

 

Without replying, Saeyoung hurriedly pulled him behind a tree.  “Mmh-mmng?”

 

“Wait, Saeran-ah,” Saeyoung whispered, his soothing words belied with his nervous heartbeat.

 

Obediently, Saeran kept very, very still, just like Saeyoung taught him. He forced himself to breathe slowly as to make as little sound as possible and he bent slightly at the knees so that he wouldn’t get dizzy. He wasn’t sure how long he would need to do this.

 

Then he felt Saeyoung’s heartrate slow down and Saeran exhaled through his nostrils.

 

“Okay,” Saeyoung breathed, loosening his hold on Saeran. “The car wasn’t mom’s. It just sounded like hers. Still good we hid, though.”

 

Honestly, Saeran was just glad that they didn’t have to wait hours like last time.  “Saeyoung, you didn’t get to see the dragonfly, did you?” Saeran asked, trying hard to keep the sadness from his voice as he turned to Saeyoung.

 

He knew he failed as he saw the guilt settle over Saeyoung’s shoulders. “I’m sorry, Saeran-ah.”

 

Saeran shook his head vehemently. “No, it’s okay, Saeyoung, really, it’s just…” Even with his words, Saeran’s shoulders drooped. “…We don’t get to go outside together that often. And when we do, you’re not able to enjoy it. I wish…” He looked pleadingly at Saeyoung. “…Can you teach me how to help you? If you aren’t the one always doing it, then it’s easier, right? I know I’m not good at sur—survei—observing like you are, but if you—” He cut himself off as Saeyoung reached out to grasp his wrists tightly.

 

“Saeran, it’s fine,” Saeyoung said sternly. “The reason why I’m learning all this boring stuff is so you don’t have to. So don’t worry about it, okay? You like the sky, right?”  Shuffling his feet, Saeran meekly nodded.  “Then go ahead and enjoy it for the both of us.” He smiled at Saeran and encircled both wrists with his hands. “I go outside more than you, so you don’t have to feel bad for me.” He grasped Saeran’s wrists tighter. “Someday, we’ll get to go outside every day, chase dragonflies together, and go back to our home.”

 

Saeran swallowed back the fear that said I won’t make it that long. Instead, he smiled and rotated his hands to grip Saeyoung’s wrists too.

 

“Together.”

 

It really hit Saeran just how _naïve_ he was.

 

Taking Saeyoung’s words face-value.

 

Passively allowing Saeyoung to take most, if not all the load.

 

Never once protesting Saeyoung’s stubbornness.   

 

No wonder Saeyoung left.

 

“Give me your damn phone,” Saeran demanded, lips curled back in a snarl as he unhooked his arm from Saeyoung’s and snatched his phone from his hand. The only reason why he didn’t _throw_ the damn thing was because, really, he wouldn’t feel easy without CCTV access either.

 

“What, no, Saeran!” Saeyoung yelped, reaching out for his phone.

 

Saeran dodged Saeyoung’s hands, taking one step backwards for every step Saeyoung took forwards. In moments, he was smack-dab in the middle of the road with Saeyoung a couple feet from him.

 

“Saeran, what the hell!?” he snapped, for real this time. Anger darkened his eyes into an unspoken warning, turning his irises into an unfamiliar shade of burning yellow. His hands were clenched at his sides and his shoulders were the tensest they’ve ever been.

 

It was funny.

 

Saeran had tried to kill himself and leave behind his dead body right in the living room.

 

He had strangled Saeyoung to a point of leaving a bruise around his neck for several days.

 

In the three total meltdowns he had, each one included hundreds of dollars’ worth of damages…thousands if you include the computer he smashed onto the floor the second time around.

 

He hogged all the time Saeyoung could’ve spent with the RFA and MC. Not that he ever asked for it; Saeyoung just gave it without question.

 

And this… _this_ is what Saeyoung chooses to get angry over. This is what twists Saeyoung’s expression into something hateful.

 

But even then, he still didn’t look nearly as terrifying as their mother.

 

Saeran wouldn’t even care if Saeyoung did try to hurt him ( _he wouldn’t_ , the voice inside him cried, but even on a good day, he still could never be sure). Best case scenario, Saeyoung would kill him and, worst case scenario, Saeyoung wouldn’t let him go outside.

 

He had no reason to be scared.

 

So…why was there still fear prickling up and down his spine?

 

“Well?” Saeran taunted, stuffing Saeyoung’s cellphone into his pocket, making sure it wasn’t where the ice cream coupon was. “What are you going to do?”  Fear was driving his every word and action now. He could feel Saeyoung’s heartbeat race and Saeran told himself it was because Saeyoung wanted him _dead_. “Are you going to hit me now?”

 

The anger ( _hatred_ , Saeran reminded himself) on Saeyoung’s face was intercepted by confusion, looking taken aback now. “Why…” Saeyoung’s hurt began to ache in Saeran’s fingertips. “…How could you…how could you still think that? Saeran…”

 

“We are not children anymore!” Saeran screamed. He didn’t even know where that came from. He didn’t know _why_ those words left his mouth. But it did and before he knew it, more words from _who knows fucking where_ began to outpour.  “We are not back in that hellhole with our _mother_ ,” he spat. “Don’t treat this like we are!  You said we could have a better future! We even finally have the damn _home_ you kept promising we’d have together!”

 

**Promise.**

 

God, that word makes Saeran want to die.

 

“We do,” Saeyoung said, sounding desperate. The anger ( _no, the hate, hate, hate, hate, hate_ ) was gone now ( _no, it’s still there, it only hides, it’s never gone_ ), replaced with something frantic. He was reaching out again, but this time, it was careful instead of unrelenting. “We do have a place together now. A place that’s a home now because _you’re_ there.”

 

“Then why are you like this!” Saeran kept shouting, but _why_? Why was he…“I get having to map out our route or putting a limit on where to go, but not having to check for every damn car that passes by!”  Was that really what was bothering him? Really? “If you’re going to keep acting like we’re back with her, then just skip to the part where you leave me to die!” _What the fuck am I saying?_

 

There were only two things Saeran heard:

 

The wind rustling through the trees.

 

And the pounding of Saeyoung’s heartbeat in his ears, drowning out his own.

 

“Saeran.” Saeyoung’s voice cracked like he was being strangled again—like Saeran was strangling him. “Saeran…please…” Even those words sounded like a fragile prism, just one scream away from breaking apart.

 

Is that all Saeran is good for?

 

Breaking everything he touched?

 

Saeran suddenly felt cold, tired in a way he hadn’t been even after his prior meltdowns. He wasn’t even throwing anything, just simply screaming his head off like a banshee…he didn’t understand. It was like he was getting worse instead of better and _Why the hell am I like this?_

 

“It’s okay, Saeran-ah,” Saeyoung whispered, taking a step back as he gave Saeran a minimally forced, half-hearted smile. “Just. Let’s get you out of the road, okay? Let’s talk about this and, if you still want to, we can go get ice cream afterwards.” He dropped one hand and stretched out the other one further. “We can get through this together. Like we always had.”

 

Saeran bit his inner cheek.

 

“I can’t be fixed, Saeyoung,” he whispered.

 

He watched as the smile on Saeyoung’s voice lightened with sincerity.  He reached his hand out more, the other rising to loosely curl against his chest. “What a kwinky-dink, Saeran-ah. Because I can’t be either.”

 

Saeran clutched at his chest too.  “Idiot,” he said with a shaky exhale.  Then he began to make his way back to his brother.

 

**_ HONK! HONK!! HOOONK!  _ **

 

“SAERAN!” Saeyoung screamed and before Saeran could react, Saeyoung practically teleported to him.

 

In fractured seconds, the side of his and Saeyoung’s face was almost violently pressed against each other’s, his chin tucked around the crook of his brother’s neck. With one hand cradling the back of Saeran’s head and the other firmly planted on his mid-back, Saeyoung lifted him away and Saeran had a strange sense of vertigo as his feet left the ground.

 

As Saeyoung quickly backtracked as much as possible, Saeran felt the breath knocked out from his lungs. The only thing that was keeping him grounded was the death grip Saeyoung had around him and the death grip he had on Saeyoung’s hips.

 

In that moment, all he was surrounded with was the lingering smell of Honey Buddha chips from his brother’s jacket. It mingled with the scent of _Saeyoung_ and the pounding of both their rapidly beating hearts.

 

It was an odd thing to focus on in a near-death experience.

 

But really, when he thought about it, it made sense that Saeyoung would be the one thing he held on to even in the face of death.

 

“Shit,” he could vaguely hear Saeyoung hiss into his ear, as something hard bumped into them from behind. Saeyoung stumbled backwards then and Saeran was the one to correct both of their footing, planting one leg between Saeyoung’s and the other squished against Saeyoung’s outer thigh. He landed heavily on his heels, panting hard.

 

He heard the car speed off with a screech of tires and Saeran was too shocked to shout obscenities at that hit-and-run fucker.  But he wasn’t shocked enough to forget about making a mental note to look up the plate number on his brother’s phone.

 

“Sa-Saeran,” Saeyoung whimpered and Saeran barely held back a ‘fuck’ of his own at how erratic Saeyoung’s heartbeat had become. While his heart was gradually slowing down, Saeyoung’s was increasingly becoming out of tune with his own.

 

_Ba-Dump…Ba…Ba-DumpBA-DUMP………BA-DUMPBA-DUMPBA-DUMP-BA-DUMP_

 

“Saeyoung, stop panicking, will you calm down, it’s okay,” Saeran started babbling, trying to pull away. He barely could though, with the way Saeyoung was gripping onto him like a life line. The hand that was in his hair made its way around his shoulders, the other one encircling the radius of his back. It made Saeran borderline claustrophobic. “Saeyoung, _let go_ , damn it—”

 

Wrong words.

 

“No, no, I won’t, no. I can’t. Lose you,” Saeyoung gasped out, barely making any sense with how much every part of him seemed to quiver. “I can’t lose you, I can’t, not you, _I can’t_.”

 

Saeyoung’s heartbeat spiked even more than it already had and Saeran felt that they were both caught in a flash flood without even a rope to hold onto. Then, combined with the exhaustion from his prior episode and the asshole driver, Saeran’s head was barely able to swim above the deafening rush in his ears.  

 

But in his arms, there was a tomato on legs whose heart was spiraling out of control and couldn’t seem to get out of his own head.

 

Never before this moment had Saeran felt he stood on equal ground with his twin.

 

He moved his hands so that they loosely curled around Saeyoung’s waist and he straightened himself. Putting his chin back where it was, he turned slightly so that his throat was pressed lightly against the side of Saeyoung’s neck. 

 

 _You won’t_ , Saeran gave to Saeyoung. He had no energy to use his words, but he still could give Saeyoung this. He could never be sure whether his thoughts reached Saeyoung, but these thoughts…these ones, he knew they would. _Focus on my words, Saeyoung_. He heard Saeyoung’s breath hitch and Saeran breathed in deep to make sure his pulse was as normal as possible. _Focus on my heartbeat_. _Can you feel it?_

 

“Yes,” Saeyoung got out in a sob. His arms became an embrace rather than an enclosure.

 

Saeran felt Saeyoung’s heartbeat finally, _finally_ start to slow down. _Is it beating?_

 

“Yes.”

 

_Is it strong?_

 

“Yes.”

 

_Am I dead?_

 

Saeyoung shuddered against him. “No.”

 

 “Good,” Saeran murmured. He leaned back until he could see Saeyoung’s golden eyes, surrounded by the red-tinged signs of dried tears. He gave Saeyoung an attempt of a smile. And sent one last message. _Then come back to me, hyung._

 

It was only after Saeyoung’s face turned completely dumbstruck that Saeran realized what word reached into their connection and passed through to the other side.

 

**Hyung.**

 

Not hyung-jeh. Hyung.

 

The one thing he kept avoiding calling Saeyoung. Not because it was his choice to do so, but simply because _it wouldn’t leave his mouth_. 

 

It was when Saeyoung started with his affectionate -ah suffix that Saeran realized he was physically incapable of it. He had tried to experimentally call Saeyoung by those familiar honorifics, just to see how it would feel. He had a vindictive plan to watch Saeyoung’s face light up—only to be heavily disappointed when that would be the last time Saeran would call him that.

 

But then.

 

His voice wouldn’t let him.

 

It was one more thing he didn’t have control over.

 

What pissed him off even more was that it didn’t stop his _mind_ from doing what his mouth could not. Even during his time with Mint Eye, he’d accidentally call Saeyoung _hyung_ in his head. Now that their bond was tentatively mending together, he didn’t even try to recalibrate his thoughts and just let the honorific roll off his thought process.

 

Never once had it reached Saeyoung.

 

Well. Until now.

 

“Can you…” Saeyoung visibly gulped. Saeran felt the familiar caress of Saeyoung’s thumb against his jaw. He felt his stomach roll with familiar . But as familiar as it all was, like coming back home, _none_ of it was like it was before. And, for Saeran, that felt like he _won_ at something for the first time in his life. “…Say that again? All of it?”

 

Saeran didn’t even bother to open his mouth.

 

He preferred it this way, anyways.

 

 _Come back to me, hyung_ , Saeran repeated, only able to meet Saeyoung’s eyes head on through pure will power.

 

Saeran felt his stomach become Waves again at the sight of Saeyoung beaming at him. This thing has really been happening a lot lately.

 

Too much, actually.  

 

But at the same time…

 

“I’m here, Saeran-ah.” Saeyoung touched his forehead to Saeran’s, eyelids sliding shut. Saeran felt the lenses of Saeyoung’s glasses against his eyelashes. “I’m not going anywhere.”

 

…Not enough.

 

* * *

 

_9 Years Ago_

 

* * *

  

At his words, Saeran felt Saeyoung’s heart exponentially increase beside his own.

 

That was his only warning.

 

“Don’t say that!” Saeyoung screamed.  And it was a damn good thing their mother was gone. “Don’t ever say that again! Okay?”

 

Saeran wanted to tell himself that Saeyoung’s racing heart was only because he was angry.

 

It wasn’t because Saeyoung hated him now.

 

It wasn’t.

 

It couldn’t be.

 

_Please don’t let it be._

 

But even then, Saeyoung’s glasses were glinting from the light that filtered in through the attic window.  It shielded Saeyoung’s eyes in a blinding light and the obscurity gave Saeran a false sense of security. But, at the same time, it gave him a desperate impulse to take off Saeyoung’s glasses so he could see those golden irises look kindly, looking _lovingly_ at him.

 

_But…what if they weren’t?_

 

The thought made Saeran want to die more than usual.

 

“H-Hyung,” Saeran got out, tears starting to well up at the corners of his eyes.  Fear began to take a hold of his throat and he couldn’t get out anything more than that. 

 

But it was trust that kept his arms around his legs instead of in front of his face.

 

It was faith that kept him looking at Saeyoung instead of trying to make himself as nonexistent as possible.

 

It was love that kept him thinking _if he hits me, I deserve it_.

 

Because he had never seen Saeyoung so angry before. Actually, he has never seen Saeyoung angry, _period_. Saeyoung was always there to kiss away the pain, to hug away the nightmares, and to wipe away the tears. The least he could do was let Saeyoung punish him for not watching his mouth.

 

Anything so that Saeyoung wouldn’t leave him.

 

 _If he hits me_ , Saeran repeated to himself as Saeyoung dropped to his knees in front of him. _Then I—_

 

“Would never, in a million years,” Saeyoung fiercely whispered, arms squeezing Saeran tightly. “Deserve it. Saeran-ah. Never. If I ever hit you, I want you to punch me, okay?  Punch me. Kick me. Hell, if you can, _stab_ me then get away from me. Because you deserve better.”

 

The last sentence didn’t even stick to Saeran. He instead focused on the horror he felt over the unimaginable alternative Saeyoung painted with his demands.  He shook his head even as he clutched at Saeyoung’s back and buried his forehead into the crook of his brother’s neck.

 

“No. Hyung, I can’t do that. I can never do that. I can never hurt you.”

 

“I can never hurt you either,” Saeyoung whispered, kissing the top of Saeran’s hair. “So don’t ever think I will.”

 

Saeran bit his inner cheek, closing in until he felt pain. “Then why…why did you yell at me?” he asked, timidly. “What did I do?” He felt Saeyoung start to pull back and Saeran clenched his eyes shut, holding on tighter while shaking his head.

 

Saeyoung nodded in understanding. Instead, he kept his arms around Saeran and sat himself onto the floor, Saeran following the motions without letting go of Saeyoung either. He felt Saeyoung’s legs press on either side of him and he lifted himself up a bit, so that Saeyoung could cross his legs beneath him. Then lowering himself onto Saeyoung’s lap, he scooched forward so that he could wrap his legs around Saeyoung’s waist.

 

“First, don’t bite your cheek like that,” Saeyoung murmured once they were settled. Saeran immediately let go of the flesh his teeth dug into. “And it’s my fault for getting angry,” Saeyoung continued. “I shouldn’t have reacted that way.” He paused, tightening his arms around Saeran until their heartbeats were pressed against each other’s.

 

Saeyoung wasn’t even away from him and, still, Saeran missed his brother so much he could cry him it.

 

Saeran clenched his eyes again. _I must have really hurt you._

 

“It’s not your fault,” Saeyoung reinforced, comfortingly rubbing the back of Saeran’s head. “You didn’t hurt me, you were only…” Saeyoung trailed off with a sigh, then asked, “Can you make me a promise, Saeran-ah?”

 

 _Anything_ , Saeran sent back with all his might.

 

“Good. Now, remember, you have to keep this,” Saeyoung whispered. “Promise…Promise me that you’ll start believing you’ll be able to grow up. That you’ll grow _older._ Promise me you’ll never say that you’ll die before you make it out of here. Because you will, Saeran-ah. You’ll make it until we’re both wrinkly and trying to help each other around _our_ home.”

 

Saeran began to shake in Saeyoung’s arms, trying so hard to hold back tears. “But hyung, I can’t…I don’t want to promise you this. I don’t know if I can keep it.”

 

“You will.” Saeyoung’s voice got louder, but he quickly quieted as he felt Saeran tense against him. “You will,” he repeated quieter, rubbing circles onto Saeran’s back. “You have to believe it, Saeran-ah. You have to keep telling yourself this. Please. It’s important that you believe it too.” At Saeran’s silence, Saeyoung’s words began to hold a faint tremor. “We’ll get out of here together and have our own house. You’ll be by my side and I’ll be by yours.”

 

Saeran gathered the back of Saeyoung’s shirt with tight fists.

 

“Promise me,” Saeyoung was begging now.

 

So.

 

Saeran did the only thing he could do.

 

Anything to make sure Saeyoung wouldn’t leave him.

 

“I promise,” Saeran whispered behind clenched eyes, feeling the guilt of his lie weigh bitterly on his tongue.

 

* * *

 

  _9 Years Later_

 

* * *

  

The ice cream parlor was quaint with shades of pastel and paintings of anthropomorphic pastries.

 

But what was even better was that Saeyoung already had CCTV access to the roof of the apartment building right beside it. It was a perfect target, known for its nice rooftops and small number of occupants despite its 30 floors. Saeyoung already knew the passcode that would enable them straight through the front door.

 

They didn’t even have to worry about satellites because all they needed to do was stay in the enclosed area of the rooftop, while keeping out of the open patio. The enclosure itself was quite impressive, with panoramic windows all the way around and a simple wooden ceiling that kept out any eye in the sky.

 

Saeyoung did tell Saeran that he had something special planned, but this was something beyond the realms of imagination. By the time they locked the stairway door and programmed the elevator to automatically stop before reaching this floor, it took them less than fifteen minutes to commit their deed.  

 

By the time they placed their food on an ornate iron table and sat side by side on a bench swing place in front of it, their ice cream in its to-go box looked just as perfect as it did when first scooped.

 

“Finally, we can relax!” Saeyoung groaned out, his mango-banana split sundae out in the open. But instead of taking a bite out of it, he stretched his legs out, the bench swinging obnoxiously with him.

 

“I swear, if you keep swinging, I’ll kick you off,” Saeran swore, digging his spoon into his monstrous 9-scoop mangolicious strawberry sundae. “And we could’ve relaxed earlier if you hadn’t decided to go overkill with this insane plan of yours.”

 

“I know you enjoyed it, don’t lie~” Saeyoung sing-songed, planting his feet firmly so that he could stop swinging. He leaned back against the back upholstery, his smile widening as he watched Saeran’s face relax with his first mouthful.

 

 _It had been so damn long_ , Saeran contentedly thought to himself. 

 

Well, supposedly himself.

 

“We can come up here twice a week if you’d like, Saeran-ah,” Saeyoung said beside him, voice quiet with overwhelming emotion. “If you want it every day, I’ll find a way.”

 

Saeran closed his eyes and nodded.

 

But he didn’t want to be reminded of that past. Not right now.

 

 _You’re right_ , he decided to reply instead. _I did enjoy it. This break-in._ He felt a corner of lips twitch upwards as he remembered the devilish grin that Saeyoung wore while looping the elevator feeds. He didn’t even bother to deny the rush he felt over trespassing with his brother. _You’re a bad influence_.

 

Like magic, Saeyoung cheered up at those words.

 

“Let’s do it more often, Saeran-ah,” Saeyoung laughed out. “This kind of crime, I definitely want to keep doing with you.”

 

“I sensed that,” Saeran said before scooping up another delicious spoonful. He felt his brother looking at him, but the view of the setting sun amongst the back drop of the city skyline was too pretty to look away from. _What makes this so different?_

 

Then he felt Saeyoung’s heartbeat speed up a little.

 

Saeran was quick to act.

 

The bench swung unexpectedly as Saeran twisted his upper-body, one hand quickly pushing the back of Saeyoung’s head, the other hand slapping over his piehole. Just in time too, as his mouth was parted to sprout whatever bro-in-love spiel he concocted.

 

“Nehvurmihnd,” Saeran retracted around a mouthful of ice cream. But he saw Saeyoung’s eyes start to _sparkle_ and he quickly swallowed his ice cream, pressing his hand harder against the size 13 mouth. Enough that he felt the rim of Saeyoung’s glasses push against his fingers. “ _Don’t_ fucking dare, Choi Saeyoung.”

 

He tried to avoid it. He really did.

 

The small upwards peak of Saeyoung’s heartbeat warned him.

 

He didn’t listen.

 

With a sneak attack to the ribs delivered by a knife in the form of a pointer finger, Saeran loosened his grip with an undignified squeak.  Just as quick as he was to block Saeyoung’s aforementioned spiel, Saeyoung was equally quick in holding back Saeran’s blockade with a strong grip and a wolfish grin.

 

“Because my little Saeran-ah gets to smile!” Saeyoung yelled, as if he was trying to proclaim it to the whole world.

 

“Shut _up_ , you shameless _buffoon_ ,” Saeran hissed, rubbing his poor rib cage.

 

“Payback for your pointy elbows,” Saeyoung cooed, sending a noisy air kiss. And just when Saeran thought Saeyoung couldn’t get any more embarrassing (he really should’ve known better)…“For truth! This crime of passion not be for money or for pride!” he exclaimed. “It is but to make memories worth your happiness! A priceless trove of treasure worth a thousand babies!”

 

Saeran was too busy burying his burning face in one hand to smack Saeyoung a thousand times like he wanted to.

 

His other hand was too busy being thrashed about by his beyond excruciatingly humiliating elder twin. Was he really elder? Saeran had his doubts.

 

 _You literally_ , he internally drawled, _Compared my ‘priceless’ happiness to the price of a thousand hideous leopard cars._

 

“Don’t call my tiger baby hideous!” Saeyoung gasped out in pure, pseudo offense. “Besides, not that baby! My absolutely _favorite_ one. My most favorite of my favorites. It shines like pearls and clouds and doves in the sky. My—”

 

“Don’t,” Saeran uselessly mumbled.

 

“—Angel car!”

 

Saeran wasn’t going to even bother arguing anymore.

 

“Why,” Saeran asked with deceiving calmness. “Why. Do. You. Call me that.”

 

“Because—” Saeyoung began to whine.

 

“I’ve killed people,” Saeran interrupted, voice getting louder. _So much more than you’d like to fool yourself into believing_ , he accidentally corrected internally, and he held his breath to see if Saeyoung heard that.

 

“I know,” Saeyoung said without missing a beat. “I have too.”

 

For an entirely different reason, Saeran’s breath became stuck where it was, lodged in his throat. “No, I…” He stared as Saeyoung’s expression changed entirely, shadows suddenly cloaking over his face. “…I meant…”

 

Saeyoung smiled weakly, without any brightness or genuineness. “I know,” he repeated, almost _gently_ now. “I have too.”

 

 _You’re me,_ Saeran heard from inside. _I’m you._ It sounded like Saeyoung.

 

Saeran swallowed down the lump in his throat and was somehow able to make himself breathe again. “Then are you calling yourself an angel too?” he tried to ask sardonically.

 

It ended up sounding pathetically lost.

 

“Of course not.” Saeyoung gave a small, humorless laugh. “Saeran-ah. When I thought I wouldn’t see you again, I decided life wasn’t worth shit.” Saeran’s hands jerked into fists. “And now you’re here. Sure, you’re a bitter edgelord who cusses like a sailor. You have blood on your hands that you don’t deserve to live with. But _you’re here_.” Now, Saeyoung’s smile becomes genuine, glowing with something Saeran was scared to acknowledge. “This world may have made you into a fallen angel.”

 

Saeran felt his stomach become strange at Saeyoung’s next words.  It was a new sensation next to the older Heartbeat that thrummed with life inside his ribs. He hoped to hell he wasn’t getting sick.

 

“But in my world, you’re still the brightest angel I know.”

 

In spite of himself, Saeran smiled.

 

“Fuck off and let me eat my ice cream in peace,” Saeran said without any bite, even with his face still pressed against his palm.

 

He was not going to lift up his head until he could force his lips to stop being all gross. Oh hell no, he wasn’t going to deal with the squeals that would most certainly leave his brother’s mouth.

 

But then he opened his eyes, getting a peek through his fingers.

 

And finally realized which hand Saeyoung was using to wave his around.

 

Well…after that, his smile definitely disappeared as if it never appeared.

 

“Why the fuck are you such an idiot?” Saeran barked, careful not to pull his hand away as he snapped a scowl towards a taken aback Saeyoung.

 

“What did I do!?” he asked, as if he really _was_ an idiot who didn’t care at all about his health.

 

To be honest, from all the injuries Saeyoung procured from just a measly three months—hell, just these past couple _weeks_ —that was exactly the case. This is even excluding his baffling insistence of Honey Buddha chips as a three-course meal.

 

“Why are you using your _injured_ hand,” he emphasized, looking pointedly at the said bandaged appendage they spent half an hour tending to.

 

Saeyoung tried to make himself smaller by sinking his head and raising his shoulders. “It didn’t hurt?” He smiled sheepishly.

 

Saeran took in a deliberate breath. “We used an antibiotic topical with a numbing agent,” he drawled, looking unblinkingly at Saeyoung. “Of course it’s not going to hurt.”

 

“I knew that?” Saeyoung offered. His mouth did a goldfish impression for a couple of times, before he seemed to perk up, pointing at the box holding Saeran’s confectionary. “Your ice cream is melting!”

 

Without tearing his deadpanned stare from Saeyoung, he expertly found his spoon in one fell swoop, took a big glob of his ice cream, and stuffed it in his mouth. Then smoothly sticking the spoon back into the ice cream in one go, he took Saeyoung’s hand so he could make sure nothing bled through.

 

For some reason, at that moment, despite the cold that was making its way through his throat, the Waves made his stomach unnaturally warm.

 

“Show off,” Saeyoung whined, but there was a toothy smile on his face and Saeran had to push back the impulse to hit the dumbass’ face with his own injured hand.

 

Licking his lips, Saeran looked back at his handiwork, frowning at how loose it seemed. He’ll have to make sure he re-wraps it later.

 

To be fair, his hands were unsteady at that time. They weren’t exactly shaking, but it felt like a heavy pressure was pressing down on all sides. He knew it was because of all the bullcrap happening one after the other, but it was a show of weakness that made Saeran 98.9999% _done_.

 

Saeyoung refused to let him dwell on it though, poking him in the cheek and saying “ _nyah_ ” every time he heard a wayward thought of self-deprecation.

 

It annoyed the hell out of him and that’s exactly what Saeyoung planned.

 

Saeran turned Saeyoung’s hand palm up ran his thumb lightly against the medical tape that ran along the length of his hand. At least he made that secure.

 

In his peripheral, he caught Saeyoung’s backpack leaning against the one of the table legs and, really, he can’t believe his brother had _both_ hacking equipment and medical supplies stuffed in there. Even though he made dry remarks when he first saw what Saeyoung stored, they were damn lucky Saeyoung came prepared.

 

After they finally came down from the adrenaline of almost being run over, they both felt each other’s longing to stay outside. Especially Saeran. He had a feeling that, if he did go back home right then, he would downspiral into _something_.

 

So, Saeyoung took out a decked-out first aid kit from his backpack, filled with pressure bandages, gauze, and pain relief ointment. They sat on the dirt while tending to Saeyoung’s hand, Saeran growling at Saeyoung to “Call that trash-shit’s boss and find out where he lives” and Saeyoung trying to get Saeran to focus on visions of ice cream instead.

 

But not even the gloriousness of the ice cream starburst could get out the ugly image of Saeyoung’s wound. 

 

Saeyoung insisted it wasn’t bad, but Saeran still had to swallow down bile at the angry red abrasion covering everything from his brother’s wrist to knuckles. The wound was unforgivingly ugly: the edges of his skin was peeling off while the center was almost black, as if a bruise was hiding underneath the raw skin.

 

He thought the image would dull after covering it with bandages but…

 

…Well, he should’ve known better by now.

 

“Nyah~” Saeran suddenly heard and he braced himself for a poke against his person.

 

A spoonful of his ice cream was held out in front of him instead.

 

Saeran leaned away from it, as if his ice cream was suddenly glowing a radioactive green. “What,” he deadpanned, letting go of Saeyoung’s hand.

 

“Nyah,” Saeyoung insisted, jabbing the spoon close enough to get bits of the ice cream stuck on Saeran’s lips.  

 

He grabbed onto the spoon and fed himself the ice cream instead, rolling his eyes at Saeyoung’s fallen expression and protest of “Nyah…”

 

 _Shut up_ , Saeran sent back, taking another bite of his ice cream all the while staring dryly at Saeyoung.  Though, he was surprised that the food was staying down at all, with how persistent the Waves were.

 

Saeyoung made an impressive show of sniffling, pawing pathetically at Saeran’s arm. Sadly, he voiced, “Nyuhh.”

 

Against his will, his lips started to twitch upwards and he mercilessly stuck his spoon into his mouth and tilted it upwards to stab into the roof of his mouth.

 

Too late.

 

Saeyoung beamed as if he just accomplished creating the world’s first AI. Then with his uninjured hand, he fist-bumps the air, just as brightly exclaiming, “Nyah!”

 

Saeran simply responded by taking that hand and squashing it right into Saeyoung’s sundae.

 

“Awww, ice cream,” Saeyoung finally verbalized, sending a pout towards his mushed dessert. “Cut down in its prime.”

 

Saeran released Saeyoung’s ice-cream flavored fingers with a smirk.  “That’s what you get.”

 

Saeyoung’s laugh bounced all throughout the patio, adding background music to the rhythm of his pulse beating steadily next to Saeran’s heart.

 

“Worth it.”

 

Looking back out to the intertwining shades of fire and twilight creeping over the sky, Saeran situated himself more comfortably on his seat. Then bringing his ice cream onto his lap, he leaned back into the swing. 

 

 _Hyung_.

 

He saw Saeyoung immediately perk up, back straightening like an overeager cat, and he tried not to feel smug at that…

 

“Yes, Saeran-ah?”

 

“Just keep quiet until the sun goes down.”

 

“Roger that, capitán!” Saeyoung chirped, finally settling down with his ice cream, humming some song as he enjoyed the sunset with his brother.

 

…Saeran failed epically, though.

 

* * *

  

“I was able to survive climbing down the _roof_ of a 25-story building to break in and kidnap your girlfriend—”

 

“She’s not and what does that have to do with anything?”

 

“I spent years on my own, able to survive without you—”

 

“Is that supposed to convince me not to care about you?!”

 

“I was tortured for weeks on end—”

 

“MORE OF A REASON TO MAKE SURE YOU’RE SAFE AND—”

 

“—I AM NOT GOING TO SUDDENLY KEEL OVER AND DIE BEFORE WE GET HOME,” Saeran emphasized over Saeyoung’s protests, wrestling against Saeyoung’s insistent hands trying to cocoon him in human-sized wrapping foil.

 

“That kind of complacency is how you get pneumonia!” Saeyoung wailed, finally able to force the blanket around Saeran’s shoulders and cloak his back. Saeyoung can make a lot of impossible things happen.

 

Saeran gave up and forcibly dug his nails into his palms to distract himself from the urge of slamming his fist into Saeyoung’s face (“Why would you do that?” Saeyoung demanded, furrowing his eyebrows together. “Just punch me instead of hurting yourself. I’d prefer that much more. Seriously.”).

 

“ _You’re_ the one getting wet, you fucker,” Saeran snarled. “I told you already to take the fucking blanket.”

 

“No,” Saeyoung stubbornly maintained, even as he shivered.  His glasses shivered with him, dripping from the rain and looking as if it were about to fall off. “I’ll go p-plant myself face-first into a puddle if you d-don’t take the blanket.” He fastened the velcro together to seal off the openings, then settled back against the opposite wall.

 

Saeran sighed explosively, rubbing his face. “I can’t believe you’re actually fucking serious.”

 

But, oh, Saeyoung was very serious.

 

The moment it started drizzling, Saeyoung turned to his phone as if it was the bible, looking at it intently until he started squawking. His heartbeat honest to frick _spiked_ when he realized that the weather changed to a 100% of rain showers.

 

Saeran, from a young age, knew his brother was overprotective of him but that made _sense_ then.

 

It didn’t make sense _now_.

 

They were less than a mile away from home— **less than a mile** —but instead of keeping under the trees to make their way back, Saeyoung panicked and started to drag Saeran to the opening of a drain tunnel.

 

Apparently, it was closed down a long time ago, which might be because—while the length was double their height—the width was inexplicably so damn cramped that they had to sit next to each other instead of having enough space to sit across.

 

Of course, Saeyoung insisted on sitting at the outside, where he’d take the brunt of the climate. Combined with the fact he only brought _one_ thermal blanket with him—and zero umbrellas, for that matter, but Saeran can’t _completely_ blame his brother for that—then you get one soaking Saeyoung.

 

The ground drains were the only thing keeping the idiot from practically drowning in wet clothes.  

 

Saeran would’ve moved further inwards, but he was blocked already by iron bars, so until the rain died down, he’d have to watch Saeyoung get soaked through his jacket.

 

Suddenly, Saeran felt Saeyoung’s heart actually _flutter_ for a beat and he gasped as an icy sensation ran all throughout his body. He especially felt it in _both_ his fingers and toes, leaving behind a strange burning as the coldness disappeared.

 

He snapped wide-eyes towards Saeyoung.

 

And that was when he realized that Saeyoung’s lips were turning blue.

 

“God _damn it_ , Saeyoung.” Saeran didn’t even care anymore how pleading his voice sounded. And if hearing his voice wasn’t going to convince Saeyoung, then maybe— _Take. The damn. Blanket_ , Saeran sent out loud and clear, hoping there was a pause between each word to strengthen his demand.

 

Saeyoung met Saeran’s challenge with another one.  “I j-just saw a nice looking pudl-le over there.”  Saeyoung brought his damp jacket closer together and Saeran felt the disturbing cold-shiver then heat-radiation once more.

 

Saeran bonked the back of his head against the concrete wall. _When will you realize you have no obligation towards me?_

 

Saeyoung didn’t even miss a beat. “When will y-you realize th-that you are my…my anchor, not my obli-obligation?”

 

Saeyoung was barely able to keep the stutter from his words.

 

“Saeyoung.” The back of Saeran’s head was still pressed against the wall, eyes clenched closed so that he could stop himself from pushing Saeyoung’s face into the puddle anyways. He inhaled deliberately and prayed for patience. “Take off your shirt.”

 

The pulse beside his heart spiked and Saeran knew that Saeyoung realized what he was asking.

 

“S-Saeran,” Saeyoung started with his chattering teeth.

 

Saeran snapped a glower towards Saeyoung. “Take off your damn jacket and your shirt and come here.”

 

Even with the freezing chalkiness that took over Saeyoung’s complexion, he could see a rosy pink blooming from beneath the cold.  Even despite knowing _that_ is not what Saeran meant.

 

Saeran gave Saeyoung a _look_. “For the love of God, Saeyoung, we’re going to transfer body heat, not bodily fluids into each other’s assholes.”  He smirked at the cacophony of choking noises that Saeyoung coughed out. “Just do what I say.”

 

Still, Saeyoung sucked in his bottom lip.  “But…”

 

Saeyoung was being resistant.

 

Time to bring out one of his big guns.

 

And his newest toy was probably the prettiest of them all.

 

 _Hyung_.

 

Saeran’s lips twitched upwards as he saw Saeyoung’s face turn from _I’m a stubborn shit_ to _Oh shit_ in record time.

 

This was fun.

 

Saeyoung groaned, wearing his own scowl as he carelessly took off his glasses to stuff them into his pocket. “Damn it.”

 

Saeran didn’t stop himself from grinning. “You’re weak.”

 

He glared weakly at Saeran. Then—“I am,” he said softly, giving in to a tender smile.

 

Again.

 

With the wiggly feeling in his stomach.

 

 _Seriously, what the fuck is this?_ Saeran thought exasperatedly to himself.

 

“Wha-what’s…”  Saeyoung was down to his bare chest now, wet shirt sticking to his face as he struggled to get it off. “…Augh!! Stu-stupid…fu…”

 

Saeran was about to enjoy Saeyoung’s suffering brought on by his own obstinate stupidity. He really was.

 

But then, the wiggles and needles both abruptly decreased by at least half.

 

Which, in turn, exponentially tripled Saeran’s exasperation into agitation.

 

The thing is this: even though Saeran would always notice when the internal phenomena unexpectedly increased, he never noticed when it went away. It always went off on its own gradually, taking its sweet time to settle down that it felt like it was still there anyways.

 

But this.

 

In this way.

 

It felt like…

 

Saeran tried to shut off his thoughts immediately, realizing it would lead him onto a path that would probably have him running through the rain in the vain attempt to get away from his mind. Then, of course, Saeyoung would follow him without a second thought. And _then_ —probably—that could be what took the last of Saeyoung’s nine lives.

 

Death by rain.

 

Of all the damn things that could’ve offed his brother.

 

Saeran swallowed down the lump that the image lodged into his throat.

 

“Saeran-ah…”

 

When was Saeyoung’s face right in front of him?

 

Oh right, shit, his brother was about to freeze to death.

 

Wordlessly, Saeran spread his bent legs and separated the velcro of the blankets so Saeyoung could budge in.

 

For some reason, Saeyoung’s worried countenance perked up and he shook his head.  

 

Putting a hand around Saeran’s ankle, he lifted it so that he could duck his head beneath to make his way between Saeran’s legs. Saeran shook off Saeyoung’s grip and lowered his foot back to the ground, all the while allowing Saeyoung to become situated in front of him.

 

But instead of crawling forward until they were chest to chest, Saeyoung stayed where he was on his knees, catching his breath.

 

Saeran monitored Saeyoung’s pulse carefully, noting its elevated pace but feeling more assured from the cold that was dissipating from his fingertips.  Saeyoung’s body really was resilient.

 

Saeyoung suddenly leaned forward to reached into the thermal blanket and Saeran didn’t protest as Saeyoung wrapped his hands around his waist.  He did cock an eyebrow though when Saeyoung began lifting him.

 

As Saeyoung found a good grip, Saeran raised his legs more until his knees was almost touching Saeyoung’s ears. He kept the thermal blanket around his shoulders as Saeyoung began to inch him away from the iron bars.

 

“You’re lucky I’m flexible,” Saeran said dryly as he kept his legs straight up towards the ceiling.

 

Saeyoung flashed Saeran a grin.  “You’ve always been…the more flexible one,” he agreed without a cold-induced stammer, even if he did have to pause for a couple pants.

 

 _Oh,_ Saeran noticed. _You’re warmer from moving around._

 

Saeyoung hummed an affirmative at that before finally setting Saeran down on his lap, situating his legs until they could cross underneath Saeran. Saeran lowered his legs back down as well.

 

“There!” Saeyoung said happily as he fixed them up so the thermal blanket draped across both of them this time, Saeran snug on Saeyoung’s lap. “Now all you have to do is put your legs around my waist and wrap the blanket around my back.”

 

Something faint began to make itself clearer in Saeran’s long faded memories. 

 

“Have we…?” he asked, following Saeyoung’s suggestions. His own clothed chest was barely an inch away from Saeyoung’s and he held back an exhale of relief as he felt the heat conducting from his brother.

 

Saeyoung nodded rather excitedly from that, bring his hands close enough to lace together against the small of Saeran’s back.  “This is how we used to sit together, especially after bad nights. I used to tell you stories while in this position.”  He looked so _satisfied_ sitting there, holding Saeran against him.

 

Saeran, for the life of him, couldn’t understand why.

 

Saeran leaned forwards until their chests were flush together, so that he could make sure the entirety of Saeyoung’s back was covered.

 

He winced as the cold rain from Saeyoung’s hair rubbed against his warm cheeks (“What are you doing!?” Saeran had yelled over the pouring rain as Saeyoung pulled him in close. Without explanation, he covered Saeran’s head with the ends of his jacket, keeping his own head uncovered as they ran to wherever Saeyoung insisted in running to).

 

“Oh,” Saeran murmured, frowning at the fact that he couldn’t quite grasp the physical touch of those moments. As he fastened the velcro, he could remember…“We sat like this when I didn’t want to let you go.”

 

 _Fuck,_ Saeran thought a second before he stopped speaking. _I didn’t mean to say that_.

 

Saeyoung couldn’t care less.

 

“I didn’t want to let you go either,” Saeyoung whispered into Saeran’s ear, voice an octave lower with overwhelming emotion. “I never wanted to, Saeran-ah. Especially when mother would pull you away from me. And…” Saeyoung began to tremble. It wasn’t from the cold this time. “…it was hard. It was so hard getting into that car without you. Thinking I’d never see you again. It hurt so bad to try and learn how to sleep without you next to me.”

 

Saeran closed his eyes and brought his hands back into the blanket to lay his hands on Saeyoung’s shoulders, squeezing them gently. “I know,” he told him quietly.

 

Saeyoung let his head drop forward until his forehead fell onto Saeran’s collarbone, which really doesn’t seem comfortable in Saeran’s point of view. But Saeyoung wasn’t at all interested in moving. “This…” Saeyoung gave a half-hearted laugh. “…is really just like old times.”

 

Saeran’s hands spasmed. He spoke without filtering his thoughts.

 

“We’re not back with her.”

 

 _Not this again_ , he growled at his dumbass brain.

 

Saeyoung lifted his head, obviously not thinking the same as he smiled understandingly at Saeran’s scowl. One hand let go of Saeran’s back and he wedged into the space between their bodies instead, laying it where he could feel Saeran’s heart.

 

“We’re not doing this because of her. Not anymore,” Saeyoung said firmly. “We’re doing it _for us_.” He bit his bottom lip before, quieter, he continued, “I know we went through hell together…but not everything about it was hell.”

 

Saeran averted his eyes so that he could look at the nonsensical graffiti above Saeyoung’s head. _I know_. He slid one hand to grasp at Saeyoung’s wrist, tightening until he could feel his brother’s pulse, both, in his hand and in his chest next to his. _I know that. You were there_.

 

He had a feeling that’s why ‘his savior’ and her lover went through so much trouble to separate them.

 

Saeran knew he didn’t know the entire story, but he knew enough from what his brother told him. And the best way to break both him and his brother—to have them listen to any command and order—was to separate them.

 

To a point where they couldn’t _feel_ each other anymore.

 

If they could accomplish that, then the twins were theirs to control.

 

To be honest, Saeran had to give their manipulation tactics a round of applause. He and Saeyoung may have been easy targets due to their age and other vulnerabilities, but those were tactics that would’ve worked on anyone, he knew.

 

On his lower back, Saeran felt Saeyoung gather a fist full of his shirt.

 

“You’re the only thing I don’t hate about my past,” Saeyoung said and when Saeran looked back at Saeyoung, all he could see was bittersweet gratitude. “I know I’m overprotective and paranoid more than ever. I know it’s a little overboard.” Saeran gave Saeyoung an incredulous expression. “ _Yes_ , just a little,” Saeyoung insisted. Saeran scoffed. “But it’s the only way I know how to keep my promise to you.”

 

Saeran looked past the smile coating every pained word, the laugh lines at the corner of golden eyes. And, reflected back at him, he saw the years upon _years_ of tragedy they endured together and apart.

 

Saeran let go of Saeyoung’s wrist and placed loosely clenched fists back onto Saeyoung’s shoulders. Hopefully his own face, his accursed mint green eyes, didn’t give away anything.

 

Saeran’s voice was barely above a whisper as he said, “You don’t have to keep it.” Then added, for good measure, forcing his voice to be louder, “Idiot.”

 

Saeyoung wasn’t fooled.

 

“Don’t say that!” he snapped, before instantly looking guilty at how Saeran jerked in his arms. “I…don’t…damn it,” he stuttered before breathing in deeply, moving his hand from Saeran’s chest to his cheek. It took all of Saeran’s utter stubbornness not to look away from Saeyoung’s intense gaze. “Saeran-ah. I’m keeping my promise this time.”

 

 _I don’t want to hear this_.

 

“I really do mean it when I say I’m never leaving your side again.”

 

 _Stop_.

 

“I’ll make sure of it.”

 

“Saeyoung,” Saeran cut in sharply.

 

Saeyoung met that with unrelenting earnestness. “Hell hath no fury like a Saeyoung without Saeran-ah.”

 

Saeran dug his fingernails into Saeyoung’s shoulders. It did nothing to the heartbeat beating strong in Saeyoung’s chest. “Saeyoung, _Stop_.”

 

Saeyoung’s voice didn’t raise. It didn’t lower. And he looked at Saeran without any desperation. “I can’t promise I won’t do something stupid that hurts you.” Only with pure belief. “But I can promise I’ll stay by your side so you can strangle me for it.”

 

Saeran slammed his hands on either side of Saeyoung’s head, hating how Saeyoung didn’t even flinch. _What the hell are you feeling from me that’s making you like this!_ he screamed internally. His eyes stung with an inexplicable fury that he couldn’t put into words.

 

The hand on Saeran’s cheek caressed his skin there.

 

“The same thing you feel from me,” Saeyoung whispered. “Fear.” Saeyoung tilted his head to the side until he could press his cheek against Saeran’s arm, never tearing his eyes away from his little brother.  “I’m scared of not being enough for you. For us. I wasn’t before and I wanted to be the only one who dealt with any repercussions.” His irises hid behind clenched eyelids. “But I was only lying to myself to sleep at night.” 

 

In the back of his mind, Saeran knew there was something off with that last sentence. He wasn’t sure _what_ and, to be honest, he couldn’t bring himself to dwell on it too much. Because at the tips of his fingers, Saeran could feel an unrelenting ache of anguish.

 

He knew it wasn’t his own.

 

“It wasn’t your fault,” Saeran heard himself unexpectedly saying.

 

 _Oh_.   

 

Saeran blinked a couple times, replaying those words in his head and it struck him then…how true it was. 

 

He truly, wholly believed that. That Saeyoung had just as much control over their misfortune as he did.

 

This was the first time he ever thought—no less _said_ —the words from beginning to end, straight and clear cut.  If you asked him _when_ he believed it, he wouldn’t have any fucking clue. He didn’t even know when he started to. 

 

To be honest, the realization of it all was giving him whiplash.

 

The sound of Saeyoung’s voice brought his feet back onto solid ground.

 

“I’ll always be selfishly thankful that you forgave me,” Saeyoung said, giving reprieve to Saeran’s inner chaos. He looked at Saeran with a fragile smile and it echoed with the knowledge that he knew, long before Saeran did, the improbably drastic change of heart. Saeran wouldn’t be surprised. “It doesn’t erase the past. It doesn’t erase what I did. But I can live out the rest of my life doing everything I can—learning to do what I _can’t_ —to alleviate your fears.”

 

God.

 

Saeran was just so damn _tired_.

 

“What am I scared of.”

 

It wasn’t a question.

 

He could feel Saeyoung’s breath against his forearm. “Of history repeating itself.” Saeyoung murmured the words into his skin.

 

Saeran’s head fell forward, his bangs hiding his eyes from Saeyoung’s sight. But at the same time, his temple pressed into Saeyoung’s cheek. His hands were still against the wall, the tips of his phalanges pressing into the concrete until he couldn’t feel anything but icy stone.

 

“You can’t promise me that.” 

 

_You’re taking on too much again._

 

Saeyoung moved his hand so that he could soothingly run it through Saeran’s hair. That was the only reason why Saeran didn’t bite at Saeyoung’s arm for taking away the warmth.

 

“You don’t have to believe me,” Saeyoung responded. But fiercely, he delivered, “It doesn’t change that I’ll take on the damn _world_ , Saeran-ah, if that’s what it takes to keep us together.”

 

Saeyoung was right.

 

Saeran was scared.

 

Actually…no.

 

He was fucking _terrified_.

 

And the only thing keeping him from throwing a fit was the fact that he already had one today.  He really wanted that to be the only one.

 

Plus, even if was having a fit, Saeyoung would force him to have it while being stuck under the thermal blanket, thus increasing the possibility of Saeyoung having a broken rib by a factor of 10. 

 

And again…

 

…He was just too damn tired for that shit.

 

Pulling back to face Saeyoung, he brought his hands back under the blanket so that he could hang them limply against his sides.

 

“I don’t want to argue,” he responded without lifting his head.

 

Saeyoung’s hands returned to its place on Saeran’s back. “Alright. We won’t.” Saeyoung smiled at the appreciation he could feel through his connection with Saeran. “You want me to stay quiet until the rain stops?” he offered, then grinned at the _flood_ of appreciation Saeran—unintentionally, he knew—sent him.

 

“Yes,” Saeran said immediately.

 

“Then rest, Saeran-ah,” Saeyoung comforted. “Rest and think about the warm bed that’s waiting for you at home.”

 

He was so damn proud of himself for the small smile his words brought out from Saeran.

 

* * *

 

 **Jaehee**          How do you think Saeran and Saeyoung’s went?

 

 **Yoosung**        Saeran likes ice cream, right?

 **Yoosung**        That means Saeyoung must’ve taken him to an ice cream shop!

 

 **MC**                 How did you know Saeran likes ice cream?

 **MC**                 [waggles eyebrows at Yoosung]

 

 **Yoosung**        I asked him what he liked last time we were there!!!

 **Yoosung**        Why are you waggling your eyebrows at me!!!!

 

 **MC**                 Why are you increasing the font? So many exclamation marks, too.

 **MC**                 My, my, Yoosung, so suspicious ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **MC**                 Saeyoung will start keeping Saeran away from you lololol

 

**Yoosung**        MC!

 

 **Jaehee**           MC…;;

 

 **MC**                 Okay, okay, I’m sorry Yoosung, I’ll stop, I swear. >_< Hugs??

 

 **Yoosung**        You have a hug emoji!!!  I want one too!

**Yoosung**        Hugs! ^^

 

 **MC**                 Awh, you give such warm hugs.

 **MC** Jaehee, Hug for you too??

 

 **Jaehee**           …;;

 **Jaehee**           How about I give you a hug when I see you tonight?

 

 **MC**                 No! Not good enough! I want a hug now T_T plz?

 

 **Jaehee**           ...hugs…

 

 **MC**                 Yay!! So happy!!

 

 **Yoosung**        Uhm, MC…?

 

 **MC**                 Ya?

 

 **Yoosung**        Are you…drowning in blood??

 

 

 **MC**                 Heheheh. The blood of my enemies, maybe

 

-Saeyoung has entered the chatroom-

 

 **Yoosung**        Saeyoung!  Are you still out with Saeran?

 

 **Saeyoung**      We just got back home!

 **Saeyoung**      Project Saeran Frolicking Through Fields:

 **Saeyoung** Success!!

**Saeyoung**      [posts picture] <image: Saeran scowling at the camera, face dusted all over with pink-tinged cuteness. Saeyoung is seen burrowing his nose against Saeran’s cheek, smiling against his twin’s jaw, only one golden eye seen beaming happily at the camera>

**Saeyoung**      Kunik kisses!

 

 **MC**                 OMGOMGOMGOMGOMOGMOGMOGMOGMGOMG

**MC**                 KLDJSHFGLKSDHGUIHERGIULSEHRIULVHRSILUVNSIUFHVIRUESLGHREIH

 

 **Jaehee**           MC! Calm down!

 

 **Yoosung**        Wait, is that graffiti above your heads!?

 **Yoosung**        Where did you guys go??

 

 **Saeyoung**      Oh that’s

 **Saeyoung**      Shit

 **Saeyoung** crapsorryhavetogobye

 

-Saeyoung has left the chatroom-

 

 **Jaehee**           MC, are you okay now?

 

**MC**                 Yes

 **MC**                 My heart is full

 **MC**                 I can die happy now

 

 **Yoosung**       lol

 **Yoosung**        Sometimes I wonder

 **Yoosung**        Who’s weirder, you or Saeyoung

 

 **Jaehee**           In this moment, it’s MC.

 **Jaehee**           And MC, we haven’t finished watching The Devil together.

 **Jaehee**           You are not allowed to die just yet.

 

 **MC**                 Oh right! I can’t die! I still have to give you a hug tonight!

 

 **Jaehee**           Yes, exactly.

 

 **Yoosung**        Wait, you guys?

 **Yoosung**        What did Saeyoung mean by kunik kisses?

 **Yoosung**        That doesn’t look like a kiss to me

 

 **Jaehee**           Oh, that.

 **Jaehee**           I actually have no idea as well.

 

 **MC**                 lolololol it’s a misnomer

 **MC** Kunik is a traditional inuit way of greeting one another

 **MC** And it doesn’t actually mean anything romantic, though it can

 **MC**                 It’s very scent-oriented and it’s just a way to rediscover how your loved one smells

 

 

 **Yoosung**        Oh! That’s so sweet!

 

 **Jaehee**           Surprisingly, yes.

 

 **MC**                 You’d be surprised how sweet Saeyoung can be when it comes to Saeran

 

 **Jaehee**           I feel like it was a mistake for Saeyoung to give you this much emoji power

 

 **MC**                 [cackles evilly]

 

 

 **MC**                 [chokes on saliva mid-cackle]

 

-Saeran has entered the chatroom-

 

 **Yoosung**        Saeran! Hi!

 

 **MC**                 Uh-oh

 

 **Saeran**           That fucker

 

-Saeran has left the chatroom-

 

 **MC**                 Yup

 

 

 **Yoosung** Saeran didn’t even say hi or bye to us…

 

 **MC**                 Don’t take it personally, Yoosung, just text Saeran later xD

 **MC**                 Right now, I think he’s too busy chasing Saeyoung around the house

 

 **Jaehee**           I take it back.

 **Jaehee**           Saeyoung isn’t that sweet.

 

 **Yoosung**        Huh?

 **Yoosung**        Wait…

 **Yoosung**        …

 **Yoosung**        OH!!

 **Yoosung**        Saeyoung!!

 **Yoosung**        Poor Saeran;;

 

 **MC**                 Yup!

 **MC**                 lol RIP Saeyoung

**MC**                 D’oh

 

* * *

 

_9 Years Ago_

 

* * *

 

 

Saeran didn’t realize how much tension Saeyoung held in his body until his muscles were finally able to release it.

 

“Thank you,” Saeyoung whispered, burying one hand into Saeran’s hair, the other gingerly but firmly curling around his waist. Saeyoung slouched into Saeran’s hold, letting out a sigh as his brother began to pet his hair.

 

“I’m sorry, hyung,” Saeran said again between sniffs, shame filling him. He was the one who hurt Saeyoung and _he_ was the one trying not to cry?  No wonder Saeyoung was his stronger half.

 

“Saeran-ah,” Saeyoung murmured, peppering kisses along the length of Saeran’s shoulders. Saeran felt a pleasant warmth left behind with each kiss and he had to hold back a sob of relief that he didn’t mess up bad enough for Saeyoung to take away those kisses. “Don’t think about it anymore, okay? We won’t ever have to say sorry to each other because we’ll never mean to hurt each other.” Then he continued leaving kisses all over the side of Saeran’s face.

 

But still, regret seemed to fill every part of Saeran, leaving behind an ache in his joints as if he were getting sick. Shaking his head, he forced himself to pull away from Saeyoung’s kisses, despite the scream from inside protesting against it.

 

“But I…” Saeran look desperately at Saeyoung, wordlessly asking for an absolution that Saeyoung was so determined to believe was unnecessary.  “I still hurt you. I…” Saeran cut himself off again. He averted his eyes from Saeyoung’s frown. “…Shouldn’t you…punish me?” _At least there’d be a reason for it_. And this reason, Saeran would accept without complaint.

 

Saeyoung moved one hand from Saeran’s waist to his own chest, clutching where his heart is.

 

Saeran slumped at that. “I hurt you again,” he whispered, listening to heartbeat that spoke just as much words as a confession. “I can feel it.” Is that all Saeran is good for?

 

Feeding the shadows that already existed around him?

 

“If you really want punishment, Saeran-ah…”

 

Suddenly, Saeyoung was on the move, pulling something from his pocket and hiding it behind his back.

 

Saeran snapped his head up, eyes widening as he catches the sudden determination coming from Saeyoung’s mind and countenance alike. He heard _clack, click_ sounds coming from behind Saeyoung that he couldn’t place, but he knew from experience, that his supposedly older twin thought up something ridiculous again.

 

But Saeran found he couldn’t string together the question that was vaguely floating in his head.

 

His attentions, instead, were focused solely on the devilish smirk playing on the curves of Saeyoung’s mouth. Despite the ratty backdrop surrounding them—meant to extinguish anything that dared to give it light—Saeyoung’s golden irises shined brightly and unrelentingly against all odds.

 

 _Do I look that pretty?_ Saeran asked himself and, despite how little sense it made, he honestly doubted that. Saeyoung is his other half and he knew that meant anything Saeyoung was, Saeran was like too.

 

But everyone has parts of themselves that are better than the other parts, right?

 

So.

 

Saeran knew that him and Saeyoung were one and the same…but Saeran always thought that Saeyoung held all the better parts of himself.

 

It was around that timeline of his thought process that Saeran was hit with a barrage of bubbles.

 

“S-Saeyoung!” Saeran squeaked, his hands whipping out to grasp at Saeyoung’s shoulders, even as he leaned backwards as far as possible.  “Wh-What—”  That was when he realized how _joyfully_ Saeyoung was laughing.

 

“Oh my gosh, you-your face, it was so great,” Saeyoung got out through his peals of laughter, while holding a tube of soap in one hand a bubble wand in the other. Some of the soap sloshed out of its tube, landing droplets onto his fingers.

 

Saeran kept one hand on Saeyoung’s shoulder, but hesitantly pulled his other towards his chest, placing a palm over where he could feel both his and Saeyoung’s heart beat in tandem.

 

“You feel better,” Saeran breathed out with relief, the smile he allowed himself as radiant as it was shy. “Where did you get the bubbles?”

 

“Heheh, the girl at the church,” Saeyoung cheerfully answered, before raising the bubble wand behind a carefree grin. “Here it comes! Round 2 of your punishment!” Then he blew yet another bombardment at Saeran’s face.

 

Saeran put a palm over his mouth, protecting his taste buds from the bitter soap. Even then, he couldn’t stop the fit of giggles that escaped his mouth. “You’re such an idiot, hyung!” he laughed, pawing at Saeyoung’s face, careful not to knock of his brother’s glasses.

 

He had to close his eyes periodically, but he didn’t dare tear his sight away from the wonder that was Saeyoung. It was always a precious fragment in time whenever Saeyoung was beaming toothily at him. And the transparency of the bubbles only served to give enough distortion to make Saeyoung even sillier.

 

Saeran barely had the chance to get his bearings together before Saeyoung was on him again, nuzzling his nose against Saeyoung’s cheek.  “Kunik kisses!” Saeyoung exclaimed, teeth peaking from his smile and rubbing against Saeran’s jaw line.

 

A new peal of giggles left him and Saeran threw his arms around Saeyoung’s neck, nuzzling back against Saeyoung’s nose. 

 

“Kunik kisses,” he returned with a warmth he’d treasure until he’s lying beside Saeyoung, holding his hand on their death bed. “You’re so dumb,” Saeran whined, even as he relaxed his shoulders and closed his eyes, perfectly content to just sit in Saeyoung’s lap and languidly relish in any tender touch that came his way.

 

Then he felt his fingertips tingle with electricity, just as Saeyoung’s heart began to race inside his chest.

 

Saeran knew what was coming and he didn’t have to wait long in his anticipation.

 

“1 chicken peck,” Saeyoung stated with the flair of game show host, delivering an actual kiss to the corner of Saeran’s lips.

 

Saeran turned his head so that he could pucker his lips slightly, his own eyes sparkling with amusement as he waited. He didn’t close his eyes and neither did Saeyoung, neither not wanting to miss any micro-emotion that made an ephemeral home in each other’s expressions.

 

“2 chicken pecks,” Saeyoung chirped, landing his mouth on Saeran’s bottom lip.

 

“3 chicken pecks.” Upper lip.

 

“4 chicken pecks.” Both lips now, longer this time and gentle, Saeyoung’s thumb caressing Saeran’s cheek.

 

Saeyoung barely pulled away before Saeran—this time—was the one to murmur, “5.” And he moved both hands to the back of Saeyoung’s hair, feeling cherry tresses slide between his fingers.

 

Saeran and Saeyoung’s closed their eyes this time, their chests rising and falling in tandem as their hands made small distances on each other’s skin and hair. The only sounds were the soft _smack_ of their mouths moving against each other, separating centimeters only to meet again in a different spot. Each spot sent waves of bliss settling over them, as both made sure the other had a chance to relive their favorite positions.

 

Increasingly, the sounds of their lips separating from each other became wet with their saliva, made so as they licked their lips, their tongues brushing against each other’s every time. Occasionally, they would stay there, tongues peeking into their mouths before they continued their journey with their lips instead.

 

Their breaths mingled together in the small space between them, filling them with a warmth that felt so much like standing beneath the sunny sky together.

 

 _I’m so happy_ , Saeran couldn’t help but send to Saeyoung. His cheeks burned with the sincerity of his statement.

 

Saeyoung let out a shuddering exhale between them. His breath fanned over Saeran’s damp lips and he pulled Saeran by the neck so their foreheads pressed against each other’s. They kept their eyes closed as they simply bathed in the calm of the moment.

 

God.

 

They don’t have enough calm moments.

 

“When the time comes, I’ll make you happy every single day, Saeran,” Saeyoung swore. Both him and Saeran opened their eyes so that their peripheral could catch the rays of the sun glowing in one another’s irises. “Someday, I’ll become someone who can make that happen.”

 

Saeran shook his head slightly.  “Hyung.”  He touched his lips to Saeyoung’s again, pressing deeply, before saying, “I don’t have to be happy.” Saeran pulled away only enough so that Saeyoung could see, for himself, the smile that Saeran knew was driving away the shadows on his face. “I have you.”

 

Saeyoung’s face crumpled a little, as if this time, he was the one trying not to cry.  “I’ll make sure you’re happy,” he repeated again. His voice was fiercer this time, as if he was readying himself for a war. “I will, Saeran-ah. No matter what.”

 

“Okay,” Saeran soothed, running his fingers through Saeyoung’s hair once more.  “I trust you, hyung. I believe in you.”  Suddenly, he realized there was something like a liquid seeping through his shirt and onto his stomach and inner thighs. Frowning, he looked down.

 

By the time Saeyoung looked down with him, Saeran had a palm on his face, laughing his head off.

 

“Hyung!” Saeran whined between his mirth. Between his fingers, he could see Saeyoung simply grinning at him, not minding at all the soapy mess that was on _both_ their pants. “We look like we peed ourselves!”

 

“It’s okay, it’s your pee at least,” Saeyoung teased, pulling away Saeran’s hand so that he could give one more kiss to Saeran’s chin.

 

In response, Saeran took the tube that dropped onto their laps and poured the little remains of the bubble juice onto Saeyoung’s head.

**Author's Note:**

> That ending was supposed to be happy, but it made me sad instead lololol. :') *screaming in the inside*
> 
> Oh also, MC's emojis come from: [here.](https://store.line.me/stickershop/product/1312887/en)
> 
> And The Devil is a korean drama that you can read about: [here.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Devil_\(TV_series\))
> 
> Notes about this chapter, plz read: [here.](https://mysticvoyagers.tumblr.com/post/162965197881/pulse-and-thought-oneword-mystic-messenger)


End file.
